Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
