I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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