you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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