the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize