If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
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I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
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It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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