somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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