My underwear smells like fireworks.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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