I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
