For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
