Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize
