hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
