is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm gonna fight the coyote
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
