i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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