so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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