My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
