I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
