Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
