I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
she peed on how many people?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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