chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
