my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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