I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
