Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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