I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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