The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
