you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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