I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
