hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
