Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i love accidental penises.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
