Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
