just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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