That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
