I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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