There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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