Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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