You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
