3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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