3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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