I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
