If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
