Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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