When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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