she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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