I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
People in love make me want to vomit
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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