i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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