There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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