hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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