My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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