I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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