Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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