You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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