When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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