Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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