if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Boobs speak an international language.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
