OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
